Comment from Las Cruces Sun News message board: “this town doesnt even have a permanent greyhound bus stop, yet we are bulding a spaceport station….you can get a good laugh at the bar with this one.”

Postal clerk, after being asked about stopping delivery of junk mail: “No, we don’t do that anymore. You can just throw it away.”
(Wow, really? I had no idea…)

Some guy quoted in the local newspaper: “I’m scared of that stuff (water). I drink bottled water. I don’t even use (tap) water for cooking.”

Bridezilla in line behind me at the post office: “If they don’t have the [such-and-such] stamps here, nobody is going to come to my wedding!”

Some guy at city hall: “I used to live off Carl’s Jr…you know, the 99-cent menu.”

Local artist: “If it was just a matter of showing a penis, well, half the world has one and the other half know what they look like. And penises have been shown at that museum before.”

Male coworker: “If someone breaks into my house, they’re dead. If they live, they’ll change the story and sue you.”

Guy at City of Rocks star presentation, to a priest: “Excuse me, can I ask why you’re wearing all those robes?”
Priest’s friend: “This is Father Michaels.”

Some guy: “Fuck the clumps. If they’re there, they’re there.”

Radio ad: “…dripping with Mr. Bill’s secret sauce.”

Radio ad: “Bonzo doesn’t know how to do a safety inspection, he just flings poo.”

Guy with long hair: “I had a dream that I was eating burritos in front of a whorehouse.”

Male coworker: “Hey J, do you have V’s Death List?”

Guy at Post Office: “How much is a 41 cent stamp?”
Postal Clerk: “41 cents.”

Obese female at gym: “My goal is to weigh 175 pounds.”

Naked old lady in sauna: “Howdy doody!”

Teenage girl at store: “Do you guys have girls’ Dickies?”

Female coworker: “Trader Joe’s is the Taco Bell of grocery stores.”

Male coworker: “Is that that herbal hippie corn?”

Male coworker: “I just had Dick’s for lunch.”
Female coworker: “Oh my god, Dick’s is sooo good!”

Some drunk guy: “Wow, nice tits!”
(Loudly shouted at me as I walked past a patio full of restaurant patrons)